handgun

I don’t own a gun
I’ve never really had the desire
I don’t hunt
I don’t shoot skeet
I’ve shot a BB gun, but I don’t own one
My son has a dozen Nerf guns
We played with them yesterday
It was fun
Is that part of the problem?

I’m a soldier’s son
But
We did not have guns in the house
But
We were taught that you don’t point a gun at something unless you intend to destroy it
Completely

What makes someone
want to destroy people completely?
Innocent people
People they don’t even know

I’d never wanted a gun to protect
my family and property
I have a baseball bat for that
But
When I was lying in the darkest dark
With no 911
I finally understood
Emotionally
The deep desire to be able to protect my people and property
I don’t want to forget that feeling
That may be key to compromise
I still don’t want a gun
But
I get it

A few weeks ago I had my first lockdown
Got an emergency text
The word became flesh
We locked the doors and hid the kids
Until all was clear
Then went back to work
Like it was no big deal
It was

I wept for Columbine
I couldn’t process Sandy Hook
Since then
I’ve lost track
Too many to recall

I know people in Gilroy
I’ve been through El Paso
I know people in Dayton
The pain is getting closer
But I can’t feel it

I don’t have the right answers
Not sure I even have the right questions
But
It can’t be normal to feel nothing
when dozens of us are gone
Again

I care
But
I no longer feel
And that is what scares me most

-jason-

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